Love Letters: Part 4

It's been a while since I shared another part of the Love Letters Saga. I'm not going to lie, it's kind of embarrassing to be reminded of how silly and flippant all of my letters were! To start at the beginning, go to Part 1.


1-28-05
Josh,
I want to write a letter just because I have a really nice pen in my pocket!! Wow...Stacy Leigh=TOO easily amused. I accidentally stole one of Martha's pens last night after borrowing it for LC. I will give it back, I promise, but I want to write a letter with it first because the ink comes out smooth and thick and I like it. ☺

I like my teachers a lot. In the morning when it’s time to get up, I don’t usually want to, but when I get to school, I find myself really enjoying it. I feel like that sentence had way too many commas. That’s why I don’t write with pens very often… I mess up too much. Notice that I’m writing in print because it’s slower and I don’t mess up as much. Are you wondering what class I’m in right now? Research and Evaluation in Recreation. Fun times.

Word to non-traditional students. They sure keep class interesting.

You know what would be fun tonight after the basketball game? Phantom of the Opera. I want to see that so bad! I dunno if you’ll feel like it, but I think I’ll at least bring it up.

I feel so bad for you walking by your mailbox every day and not finding anything. I wish these stupid letters would hurry up and get there, dang it. I know how you feel though ‘cause I walked by my mailbox every time I entered my dorm and they were glass so I'd check it every time I went in and out. It gets depressing!

There is a headless skeleton greeting people as we walk through the door of this class. I want to research the medical discoveries that were made at the Nazi concentration camps. We’re talking about research ethics right now and the studies they did on live humans at those camps have always fascinated me. I hope that doesn’t make you think I’m weird! I’ve always thought the Holocaust was interesting… [Note: I didn't mean that in a good way! The Holocaust was a horrible, horrible, horrible thing. I know that. It's just always been something I've found interesting and I enjoy learning about. In a way, I feel like it honors the victims and survivors to learn about the horrors they suffered.]

Anyways, I'm sorry again for this being so random. I'm going to cut it a little short though because I think I may actually need to pay attention.

Until next time!
Stacy Leigh Browning

01-29-2005
The next piece of mail Josh received was a card with a picture of two 1960s show girls on it. (The kind of show girls who are well-covered with fancy, crazy costumes and headdresses... not the dirty kind!) The outside of the card reads, "I, for one, am glad there are no people like show people. Show people creep me out." The inside says, "If you become show people, I'll have to rethink everything."

Stacy wrote, "Just giving you a fair warning. I'd hate for you to get too attached and then one day decide you want to be show people. - Stacy Leigh"

January 31, 2005
Dear Stacy Leigh,
I’ve just been confronted again by the reality of how little I love Christ. O, to love Him as I ought! To think of the weight of the Curse upon Him and the lightness of my love for Him! Lord, let us know what happened on that cross and in that grave. May their conqueror be our single desire! Amen.

I want to tell you once again how much I enjoyed this weekend. (My gel pen is about to run dry! ☹) It amazed me how much closer we become with every moment we spend with each other. I remember calling you in November, scared to death because I had no idea what we would talk about, and now we could carry on conversations clear through the night into the morning if we would allow ourselves (dry pen ☹), and still not run out of things to talk about. You always tell (switching pens ☹) me how much you “enjoy me,” and, not that this was ever in doubt but I wanted to say it, I enjoy you too.

I remember at some point that last night you asked me if it was alright for you to pray something. I can’t remember now what that prayer was, but I do know what I wish I would have told you. Pray what you want, what you desire. Just be honest with God. He doesn’t care about “super holy” phrases or formulas. He knows your every thought, no use trying to hide them. Then He will either give what you ask or change your desire, at least that is my understanding of prayer. I share with him openly thoughts and hopes about us that I would never tell you or anyone else at this point. I’m not afraid of not getting what I want because I know that God will give me a want for what I get. Make sense?

Change of subject, I love that you are falling so deeply in love with Hardin Baptist Church, but be warned! If you fall in love with Hardin Baptist, you might not be able to help yourself from falling in love with their favorite son (and I don’t mean Kory!). ☺ But in all seriousness, it does bless me to see you loving the people that I love: my family, my church, my friends. You’ve even found a way to bring my two sets of friends, church friends and high school friends together. Who knows? You may even begin to love other things I love: Lord of the Rings, masculine poetry, or maybe even your nose!

Let me know about any rising affections. ☺

HBC’s favorite son,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens

P.S. Keep the letters coming! Yes, they are random, and I LOVE it! I wish I could get between your ears sometimes, and this is pretty close.

02-01-05
[The letter is written on a file paper with the headings “Murray State University, Health Services, Medications” on the top. It also has a place to list drug allergies.]

Joshua, I’m in the middle of another letter right now, but I’m not allowed to work on it while I’m at work so I thought it would be fun to write you on the papers that I usually journal prayers on when things get slow around here. How’s this for fancy schmancy-pants stationery? ☺ These are the papers we put in everyone’s files for the nurses to write down the medicines they prescribe. Anyway, somehow it’s okay for me to write on these but not okay to write on notebook paper (we have a ‘no homework’ policy).

I have GOT to tell you about this dream I had last night! It was the freakiest dream I’ve had in a long time. Basically, “they” (whoever “they" were) were going around killing everybody. And when I say everybody, I don’t mean they were running through the streets shooting people, it was more like they were killing off the entire human race and when they came to your town you went and waited to be killed. It was the most disturbing thing! On my way to where they killed everybody I ran into a radio station that had been left unmanned and, of course, radio needed to keep going until everybody was dead (I really couldn’t explain the logic) so I stopped to run it. The only problem was that I had no idea how to run a radio station so I went to where everyone was waiting to be killed to find you. It was like a huge banquet hall and everybody was sitting at round tables. You were sitting with Katie and Bro. Mike and Leslie and a few others that I don’t recall. I told you about the radio station and you went to go run it and I went home I think with Katie. Somehow, the people who were killing everyone were finally stopped and a few of us (including you, thanks to me ☺) survived.

So how’s that for your debut in my dreamland? Pretty jacked up, huh? I knew you’d be up by 7 AM and I almost called you this morning just ‘cause it shook me up so bad! But it’s official, you’re now the man of my dreams! ☺

That’s about all I’ve got, considering I’ve already got another letter going in my backpack. I just wanted to make sure I told you about that dream before I forgot!

 Dreaming of you,
Stacy Leigh

Love Letters: Part 3

This is part 3 of a series of letters that Josh and I wrote to each other during the semester before we got engaged. To start at the beginning, go to Part 1.

Because I included an old picture of Josh in the last post, he made me promise to use an old one of me in this one. So here I am with my friend Martha at Passion '05 in Nashville!

01-24-05
Josh, I got your letters mailed today! I’m so proud of myself! I learned that I can mail letters from Health Services, so it may take a day longer, but at least they’re getting out there.

I wish I had fancy schmancy-pants personalized stationery like you do… ;) I at least need to start writing with a pen ‘cause lead smears. I just keep forgetting to put one in my backpack. I’d wondered if it was going to be strictly a mail back and forth, 1:1 letter ratio kind of thing, but I don’t think it’s shaping up that way and I like that. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but basically I love getting letters from you.

Just to remind you, last night we had a convo on MSN about your confidence making me nervous, but I wanted to say again that you finally made me feel better about it. I am just so concerned about your heart. I hate the idea of you getting hurt because of me. And I know that you only view that chance as an opportunity for growth, but you have to understand that I still care about you and don’t want to bring you pain. I know you are praying for me and I appreciate that so much. I know that logically, being with you makes so much sense. You have such a heart for God and He is blessing you with wisdom, you care about me, you have been kept so pure which is absolutely precious to me and so rare these days, we want the same things… I’m just so no there, Josh. Maybe I say that too often, but I want to make sure I never lead you on or give you the wrong impression. Ugh… why do you have to make things so complicated for me??

I’m sorry… I’ll move on to something lighter. So in the mornings I’ve been listening to the Hope Harbor Show before work and lately he’s been talking about fear being a perverted form of faith. I’ve always been SUCH an extreme scaredy cat and I’m realizing that fear just comes from a lack of faith in God, and actually putting my faith in something else (like in the inevitability of evil). It’s been good for me and I’m learning a lot, but I’ve still got a while to go. Such very, very deep-seated fear is really hard to shake!

I know that you are praying for me and that means so much to me! Please let me know anything that I can specifically pray for you about. I beg God to protect your heart and to keep your focus on Him alone. I pray for wisdom and discernment for you and that you would be obedient to our Father.

Your sister,
Stacy Leigh Browning

January 26, 2005
Dear Stacy Leigh,
Up to now my letters have been mostly solemn and serious. I believe that all I have written has been good and perhaps even necessary; however, I fear that these may cause you to believe that upon coming to school, I have lost all light-heartedness, but this simply is not true. I am still very much my gay self (That’s right! I just described myself as gay!). To prove this to you I have set forth to write you a jolly letter reflecting my gaiety.

But first, I would like to discuss one matter of seriousness. I was utterly appalled at your disdain of my writing poetry. You seem to be victim to the 21st century stereotype that poetry is feminine. Yet, for millennia poetry has been a masculine art.

Is not Homer the father of poetry? And Shakespeare, a poet, is the most regarded figure in English literature ever to bring pen to paper, but you think yourself capable of declaring a male poet as odd and perhaps even sexually confused? Blasphemy!

Does not scripture itself accept poetry as a masculine art? Who can be said to be more of a man’s man than David, the shepherd, the giant-slayer, the renegade-warrior, the King even? But you, Stacy Leigh, would call David a pansy for playing the harp and writing poetic prayers! Would you reject the Psalms, even God’s living word, because of their emasculate author?

The space is not here to declare the greatness of the countless other male poets. The works of Cicero, John Donne, Lovelace, Marlowe, Byron, Longfellow, Poe, Frost, and the rest of the cloud of witnesses must speak for me here, and they do speak with endless words!

The poet,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens

P.S. I guess that less serious letter will just have to wait.

January 27, 2005
Dear Stacy Leigh,
I’m writing to you from class, Intro to Missions, which is great, but we’re just reviewing our reading and McClellan’s voice is soothing, lulling me to sleep. So, I’m actually paying more attention while writing you than I was before.

By the time you get this, I will have seen you again! Right now, I am boiling over with excitement. For me, it has been true that “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” and I have not received a letter from you yet. Who knows how much my heart will ache for you upon receiving one?

If your letters are delayed another day, I will write the US Postmaster complaining. He is on my radar and better watch out!

I have thought several times since I have been here that I wish I could just take you along with me everywhere I go. I wish I could take you to chapel and watch your reactions to the organ and the orchestra playing ancient hymns. I imagine myself looking at you and smiling during the good points of the sermon, or whispering to you irreverently about someone’s bad hair. A little odd, huh?

Well, I am odd. I am weird. You know that just as I know you are odd. That is one of the things I miss about you, all your oddities, but mostly I just miss you. That’s big. I miss you! Not merely companionship but your companionship. I miss you. This weekend is going to be good! I hope it comes quickly.

Missing you,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens

01-27-05
Joshua,
Here’s what I’ve decided is my problem – time management. I’ll have a couple of free hours here and there in late afternoon, but I usually waste them on the internet or doing something equally unproductive. I’ve really got to work on that. I’m in what my health 191 teacher would call “the contemplative stage.”

Speaking of class, my psychology class this morning absolutely fascinated me! We talked about neurons in the brain and how signals are transmitted and all the different chemicals in the brain that do certain things and I was just WOWED! It blows my mind to learn about how God puts our bodies together so they work like they do! I mean, it’s so detailed and precise… I really think He was showing off. I mean it’s just mind blowing! Who knew that I would be worshipping God in my psychology class this morning? It was great.

I’m excited about the time we’ll get to spend together this weekend! I wasn’t expecting to get to see you except at the Wildhorse. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of conversations on Friday (hey, that’s tomorrow!!), so there’s not really any sense in saying that much here, is there? You’ll be finding this letter in your mailbox long after you get back from this weekend.

Again, I apologize for the randomness of my letters. I’m finding that the only time I have to write (or at least the majority of it) is during my rec 101 class. Luckily for you, it’s not the hardest class in the league, so I can spare the brain power. ☺ Unfortunately for you, it’s not exactly the most focused brain on the block. You win some, you lose some I guess.

I would like to comment on the letters you write and let you know how much I appreciate them! I almost cried reading the one about you praying for me. I love seeing your heart for the Lord in each letter. You really don’t know how much I respect and admire your walk with Him! (And I know you’ll say not to, but quit being humble for a minute and let me pay you a compliment!)

I will see you tomorrow and I’m so excited!! Hopefully I’ll get this mailed this afternoon… I promise I really will try. ☺

In Him,
Stacy Leigh Browning

Continued in Part 4...

Love Letters: Part 2

This is part two of a series of letters that Josh and I wrote to each other during the semester before we got engaged. To start at the beginning, go to Part 1.

Josh, as he looked when we met in the fall of 2004. Love that hair.
Also, you can't really tell it, but he was all of about 120 pounds here.

January 19, 2004 (It was actually 2005)
Dear Stacy Leigh,
I hadn’t planned to write you two days in a row, but I am missing talking to you so much that I had to. I knew if I didn’t write then I would break down and call. I just hope that this letter is as encouraging to you as it is to me. I’ve read your letter probably a dozen times. I keep hoping that somehow you will just jump out of the page and talk to me. Crazy, huh?  

I wanted to talk to you about the comment you made on Slack’s xanga the other day. You asked the question, “Which is more deceitful, the security of being at home or the glamour of being far away?” 

First off, you never told me that you have thoughts of the mission field! You continue to amaze me! Got any other tricks up your sleeve? 

I don’t know if I’ve told you about this, but when I was first called to ministry, I thought it was a call to the foreign mission field. I had dreams of going to some unreached people group and laying down my life. My hero was Jim Elliot. I wanted to go to the middle east. That is why I did that independent study of Middle Eastern History in high school.  

I remember talking to my dad, telling him about my sense of call. Every time we talked on the subject, he would say to me, “Maybe God is calling you to be a pastor that will launch missionaries around the world?” I would brush it off everytime. The last thing I wanted to be was a pastor. I wanted to go to Egypt or Jordan, not Hardin, Kentucky.  

It was sometime this summer, I’m not sure when or how, but God changed all that. Now all I want is to be a pastor. Still, I want to do missions. I’ve thought about doing the journeyman program, but I don’t know what’s going to happen.  

I don’t know your story, but when I read that comment of yours I couldn’t avoid the shared ground we have. In all honesty, it scared me. You scare me. We are too much alike! We compliment each other too well. I know I act all confident and sure around you (for example, my last letter), but I get scared too. I get nervous about this risk I’m taking.  

Here’s a poem I wrote after we first started talking:
The Scarred Heart 
The pulsating jolts speed their rhythmic pattern
every time I am near her
in body, in sight, in sound or thought.
Each jolt initiates old wounds
which speak from the grave
about the confidences of their origin
and the foolishness of hope.
“But, what if? “What if?”
says the scarred heart.  

If I wasn’t invincible, I would really be concerned. Philippians 4:6-7, right? The peace of God shall guard my heart and mind.  

Truly yours,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens  

P.S. I never did give you copies of your tickets and some how they ended up here in Louisville. so, I’ve inclosed copies here for you. You will always be an offender to me. ☺ [Note: He was talking about speeding tickets. Yes, I once got two speeding tickets at the same time. It's a long story.]

January 20, 2005
Dear Stacy Leigh,
Yes, this is my third letter in three days. I really hadn’t planned on writing this much, but since classes are just starting, I still have a lot of freetime. Please, don’t feel pressure because of the frequency of my letters. By next week I’ll be busy again and won’t write as much, and I know how busy you are. Whatever letters I do receive will be more than enough for me.  

It was so, so, so wonderful talking to you on MSN last night. When you told me that you pray for me, I was nearly moved to tears, and I do not cry. I want you to know that when I say I pray for you, I am not just throwing out words, I mean it. I really do pray for you. 

Back in November, I was talking to Tyler about you over the phone. We ended that conversation that night by praying for each other. Tyler prayed for you also, and while he was doing that, God challenged me on something. 

Since even before that October 31st night that we went to Hardee’s and hung out at Kory’s house, I had been praying about you. I would ask God again and again for wisdom. I didn’t even want to begin to start anything with you if the Lord was not in it. I prayed over each and every phone conversation we had. I wanted so much to be wise in my every dealing with you, but that night on the phone with Tyler, God said, “Don’t just pray about Stacy Leigh. Pray for Stacy Leigh!”  

So, I listened. I ask God to do exactly what He longs to do, to meet you in your time of prayer and speak to you from the Scriptures. I tell Him to do the things I desire to do but cannot, to satisfy your every need, to heal your wounded heart, and to hold you tight to His chest. In Him, I want you to find your Beloved, your “One.”  

Then, if there is anything specific I remember you telling me about for that day, I pray for that. I pray for your ministry in AOII and then spend time interceding for your family. Only after praying these things for you do I pray about you, about our friendship and our future.  

If you’re ever up at 7, take comfort in knowing that you are being prayed for. Every morning around that time you can find me kneeling beside my bed talking with my Father on your behalf. You have nothing to fear, nothing to be anxious about. I promise you by the promise He has given me, there is no hunger, no circumstance, no thing in your life that is not already taken care of.  

Truly yours,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens 

 01-20-05
Joshua,
The girl beside me’s phone (is that good grammar? I couldn’t think of anything that sounds better…) just started playing low rider in the middle of class. Good times.

So I was just praying for you… thanking God that he’s made me a hard nut to crack for both of our sakes, asking him to protect your heart, to give me wisdom and discernment in the things I say and the way I act around you, begging Him to not allow our hearts to be divided and our focus to shift to the other instead of being on Him.

I hope school is going well this semester and God really makes you a light to your co-workers at Hollister. To me, workplace evangelism is one of the hardest and most terrifying things. I’m such a chicken when it comes to evangelism anyway. If you want to pray for me, pray for boldness! I have a class with a girl who’s really been on my heart. She’s really wild but absolutely precious and God has given me an unexplainable favor with her. Ack! I’m such a chicken! Please pray for me and her. I’m the same way with another friend. I love her so much and there’s nothing I want more than to see her come to Christ but I’m so TERRIFIED of… what? I’m afraid of doing it wrong, I guess. I know, I know, the Holy Spirit moves and God is sovereign, but I’m still so cautious. Sorry, I didn’t intend on throwing that all out on you.

The message last night about God trusting us as adult sons but us not trusting ourselves is so true for me. I’m so scared of doing it wrong. “It” being everything involved in the Christian life. Dang, self, you really need to trust the power of the Holy Spirit more!

Man, okay, new subject. Sorry, this letter may be more for me than it is for you.

I’m looking forward to getting your first letter! ☺ This is both exciting and really good for me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. If nothing else, not talking on the phone will protect our hearts a little more and give us good practice in self-discipline. It will be good… I’m sure of it. ☺

Until next time,
Stacy Leigh Browning

Sunday, January 23, 2005
Dear Stacy Leigh Browning,
It is now Sunday afternoon, and since Crossroad Church has no morning services, I have spent the last several hours alone in a quiet, vacant dormitory. It has been a blessed morning, which found me before the Lord laying on my face in a pool of my own tears and snot. Later in Colossians I would read, “He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Having read much on the doctrine of Election yesterday for Theology III, I am confronted at my utter nothingness and the miracle that is my desire for Christ.  

After eating a small lunch in my room, I continued reading in “Shadow of the Almighty.” It is the required text for a book review in Intro to Missions. I read the book last as a Sophmore in high school, and look to it with new excitement as now I am Jim’s age and am experiencing much of what he experienced. There are many similarities between his romance with Elisabeth and mine own with you, the Supremacy of Christ, the uncertainty, and even letter writing.  

Some take Jim and Elisabeth Elliot as the prototype for Christian romance to be duplicated in the lives of all Christian singles. That is both foolish and dangerous, but there is wisdom to be gleaned from the experience of others. I will never try to be Jim Elliot, making you my Elisabeth. I am Joshua Caleb Hutchens, and you are Stacy Leigh Browning. We have our own story to write. We need not turn to plagiarism to live our lives. Instead we turn to the Author of All, the one who guided Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Jim and Elisabeth, and will no less guide me and you.  

What we do take from the Elliots is an example of complete surrender, wreckless abandon before God. Jim calls attention to the lines of a hymn: “If Thou shouldst call me to resign, What most I prize, it ne’er was mine, I only yield Thee what was Thine: Thy will be done!” I have made it no secret what treasure I see in your eyes, but the Treasure hidden in the field is Christ. Beside that Treasure, all other things appear as dirty, lying fiends worthy only of being despised and rejected. I believe that the treasure in your eyes is a portion of the Treasure of the field, but until it can be attained as such, it is of no value to me. Furthermore, if ever its identity be shown as not being part of the Treasure, but of being one of these lying fiends, I will not hesitate to throw it out with the other worthless things.
Yet, I trust God in the wisdom He gives every time I ask. This wisdom says that the light of your eyes and brightness of your smile is that Light of the Word which was in the beginning. If I pursue anyone, it is Him, and I pursue Him relentlessly, just as He pursued me.  

Truly yours Christ’s,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens  

P.S. I apologize for what may be an over-seriousness in this letter, but while this is not light-hearted, do know it is said in joy.

Continued in Part 3...

Love Letters: Part 1

Some of our closest friends and family may know that during the semester between when we met and when we got engaged (Spring 2005), Josh and I wrote letters to each other. No, not emails, but real, hand-written, snail-mail letters. Josh even designed and printed his own letterhead and envelopes! Most of my letters were scrawled on notebook paper or scraps of paper from the Health Services office, where I worked as a receptionist.

In the interest of preserving our letters in case a fire or anything ever destroyed them, I decided to type them all up in a word document. While typing, I thought that they might make a fun blog series. So here you go, the first of a multi-part peek into our romance as it was first blossoming.

Our notebook full of letters.

One last thing before I share our first couple of letters... you should probably know a bit of our backstory. We met through mutual friends during the fall of 2004. Josh was in Louisville at Boyce College and I was at Murray State University, attending the church he grew up in, which is just down the road from his parents' home. Just before we met, I had ended a serious relationship, and I was in no mood to start another relationship any time soon (as you'll see from our letters). I clearly liked him, but tried to deny it and push him away. He wouldn't take no for an answer. Letters seemed like a good way to keep in touch without the emotional intimacy that comes with spending lots of time talking on the phone. Little did I know how impressive and persuasive Josh was with a pen. I'll let you learn the rest as we go.

11-30-04
Blank card with a kitten and puppy touching noses on the front. Josh wrote:
Umm… I think you’re beautiful, and I feel really warm when I’m around you, and… my tongue swells up. 

Joshua Caleb Hutchens
*Is it plagiarizing when you steal movie lines? 

1-17-05 Mon
Josh,
Well… here’s my first letter! It’s a little weird writing it right now because you haven’t even left yet, but here we go anyway. Hmm… I wonder if I even have any stamps here… I’ll probably have to go buy a big book of them.

I know I’ve said this before, but I just enjoy you and your friends so much! ☺ I’m glad y’all are my friends too now. Since we’re not going to be seeing each other very often, you have to be faithful to update your xanga. ☺ I promise I will too. It’s so funny to me because I can almost hear your soft-spoken voice when I read what you write. It really cracks me up. I know this is so painfully random and I apologize. This is just me trying to beat past that awkward this-is-my-first-letter-even-though-you-haven’t-even-left-town-yet thing.

It’s hard because I really would enjoy the comfort of just spending the afternoon with you and talking to you on the phone and all that jazz, but that is exactly the reason why I don’t need that right now! And I know you know this because we’ve talked about it… and I just want to say again how much I appreciate your patience and respect. It really means a lot to me and even if I don’t want to admit it, the things you’re not doing and saying right now are saying more than you could ever do or say. With that, I’m going to close. There’s so much that could be said, but after a while that dead horse starts to look pretty badly beaten.

I hope to hear from you soon,
Stacy Leigh Browning

January 18, 2004 (It was actually 2005)
Dear Stacy Leigh,
It’s barely been twelve hours since I’ve seen you last, but I’m already having Stacy Leigh Browning withdraws. I am being sorely tempted to just pick up the phone and call you. Yet, as you pointed out in your wonderful letter, that is not what you need right now, and it would be wrong for me also. How easily talking to you on the phone could become an idol to me? (At some point I may call you, but such an event will be rare and brief. You have my word on that.) 

It was just last night that we were at the Huddle House. I’d like to use the rest of this letter to elaborate on a conversation we had there. If you will remember, I said something about us now being two stubborn mules pulling in the same direction. To which you responded, “So have you given up? Have I won?” I then tried to explain in a very poor manner that you were mistaken. Now, though, with a clearer mind, I think I can better tell you my point. 

“… Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV 

Here we see Christ’s self-sacrifice. He “gave himself up for her.” Why did he do this? “So that he might present her to himself in splendor.” I’m sure to some Christ’s self-sacrifice looked like he was giving in, like he was defeated. The White Witch and her evil forces rejoiced at the death of Aslan, but the next morning Aslan arose and delivered Narnia. In the same way, the death of Christ turned to a victory. How profound that the self-sacrifice of Christ was a purely selfish act? In it we see that in Christ’s love for himself he loved the church supremely, and in loving the church, he loves himself. 

I am very selfish. I want you, but I do not want you broken and empty. I want you in splendor, holy and without blemish. So what do I do? I sacrifice myself so that the Lord may be your healer and lover. That is what is best for you. Sound altruistic? Well, in doing what is best for you, I am doing what is best for me. (What an aweful trick?)
So, Stacy Leigh Browning, I have given in but that is not a defeat. My ultimate victory is upon you, and you did not even know it. These two mules are not pulling in opposite directions, but in one mule’s seeming concession, he is guiding the other unwittingly to where he wanted to go in the first place.  

A Stubborn mule,
Joshua Caleb Hutchens

01-18-04 (It was actually 2005)
Joshua,
I’m going to start writing this letter hoping to surprise you with a letter in the mailbox before you’re actually expecting anything. But again, no promises on when it’ll actually get mailed.

Classes haven’t been as bad as I expected so far… we’ll see how honors English goes tomorrow. I’ve had people I know in all of my classes so far (I have two classes with Annie Leigh), and I’m actually thinking about picking up one more class, Inclusive Rec. (it’s about including special needs people in rec), which would bump me up to 20 hours. The thought of taking 20 hours sounds painful, but I hear it’s really easy and I have a few friends in there and I’m feeling extra inspired for some reason. I guess that whole, “do everything for the glory of God” thing is becoming real to me. What Chris said that Wed. night about his Lambda Chi brothers telling him that they didn’t take him as seriously in ministry because he didn’t take his schoolwork very seriously… that really hit me pretty tough.

So, it’s two days later now. I’m sorry this is taking me so long to finish. I haven’t had time to turn around! You should see my bedroom – it’s really suffering! I’m actually in Psychology right now and she’s talking about the scientific method, so I’m half-listening. Did you know that girls have been scientifically proven to be better at multitasking than guys? My Social Studies teacher in high school used to get mad because we would pass notes the whole class and still be able to tell him everything he said.

Man, my psychology teacher is really intense/obnoxious. She seems like a pretty good teacher though so far so I’m not complaining.

I got to spend so much time with Katie yesterday and it was so great. We ate lunch together, then I picked her up after work and we worked out, went to church, and went to the Pi party together. I told her I felt like her friend again. ☺

I just realized that I’m getting two free meals today! Leslie’s buying me lunch at the Hi Burger for my belated birthday and then I’m going out to dinner with my sister and Noah tonight. There’s nothing that tastes better than a free meal when you’re as broke as I am.

Okay, I’m going to close just because it’s the bottom of this page, but I’ll probably start on another one the next chance I get. ☺

Have a great day!
Stacy Leigh Browning

Continued in Part 2...